


Heresay

by Soul4Sale



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: CanonxOC, F/M, M/M, Possible Canon Character Death, TW - Death of a lover, TW - Mentioned assisted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 19:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3781246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soul4Sale/pseuds/Soul4Sale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders can’t bare to part with Ethan Hawke; not now, not ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heresay

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [An-Arrow-In-The-Knee](http://an-arrow-in-the-knee.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr
> 
> Prompt was Anders finding out about Hawke's fate in the Fade in a local tavern.

“Yeah, an’ I said, I said, uh... There ain’ no way th’Champion could fall t’demons.” 

The initial thought was enough to put a shiver down the already worried blonde’s spine. While the din of the tavern had been nothing but white noise to the loud boom of Justice’s voice inside his skull, those words caught and stuck. Even if the spirit inside him screamed, he heard nothing but that drunken slob’s voice.

“An’, an’ he goes, ‘Yeah? You really think that? ‘Cause I sawr it.’ I told him I bet he did, and let him go on his merry way.” Proudly puffing up his chest, the mustached man spooked when someone walked up behind him.

“I heard it was true. I… Heard that he was swallowed up by the Fade, like being eaten alive by a ravenous beast… And… That he never came out. That he couldn’t even--” This one, an elf woman, shook her head a little and held her arms over her chest, “Haw-- The Champion would never do anything selfish when others’ lives are at stake. If it weren’t for him, I--” A few tears broke free of her large, ivy eyes, falling down pale cheeks imprinted with vallaslin, and Anders was up in a heartbeat. 

“Merrill? Merrill, what in the world are you talking about?” Blue tinged the edges of his vision, his voice growing a bit deeper as the fade crackled and popped around them, like hot oil. When she turned to face him, she gasped, hands coming up to cover her gaping mouth.

“A-Anders! I… I didn’t expect to see _you_ here! Um… I…” She started, looking almost terrified, before he shook his head.  
“Answer me, Merrill, _please_. Are you telling me that… That Hawke… That.. _Ethan_ is… De--” The word died halfway as it tried to crawl out of his mouth, and a shaking hand wiped his mouth as to clear it away.

“He never came out.” She said softly, the look on his face making her go stiff as a board, “Went into the Fade, in the _flesh_ , and Stroud said--”

“ _Stroud_?” As Anders bristled, blue cracks like paths of lightning streaming over his skin, a black smoke-like substance wafted from him like a sinking ship, “What did he _do_ to my Princess?” 

The elf held up her hands in a defenseless gesture.

“It’s been _weeks_ , Anders, are you telling me this is the first time you heard about this? Varric hasn’t written you?”

“No,” Justice answered, those blue, unseeing eyes seemed to narrow as he issued a bellow that seemed to make the whole tavern come to a screeching halt. As it came to an end, it turned to an anguished cry as the blonde crumpled to the floor in a shaking, sobbing ball. While the young woman had been called every variation of the word ‘naive’, she knew without a doubt that right now, he needed a friend. They had never really gotten along, Ethan being their only tying point, but she figured this was something that needed done. He was ever the bonding type, wasn’t he?

Sinking to her knees, rubbing a hand over his shoulders and back, she tried to offer some kind of sympathy. When he wasn’t quite willing to accept it in such an open place, she used what little coppers she had to purchase them a room upstairs. Once there, Anders curled up on the bed, his face serious and his shoulders quaking less and less as he seemed to have a war inside his head. It seemed like several eternities had passed before he finally spoke.

“Kill me.” He whispered, and even though it was barely that, it seemed loud in the silent room, making her go still. The man who had told her that killing others for her magic was bad, that she shouldn’t hurt her friends because it wasn’t _just_ , was asking her to kill him? There was no way. Hawke would roll in the Fade screaming if she even considered it.

“No.” Turning to look at him, she gasped slightly at what she saw. Sure, his strawberry blonde hair had been growing white, probably faster than usual due to his worrying with his lover being gone, and his skin was maybe wrinkled in more places from laughter and smiling fondly for too long, but he wasn’t exactly the kind of bedraggled one would call ‘unattractive’. Not until she saw his face, now, eyes red and puffy and sensitive, nearly wanting to blend with the amber of his irises, a frown on his lips so deep there wasn’t a cavern in Thedas that wasn’t jealous. There was desperation in his eyes, in every movement he made, and, when he finally spoke again, in his voice.

“Merrill, you know he was my life… I can’t bare to lose him, to stay here without him.”

“You don’t think you have it in you to keep living?” She questioned, head tipping slightly as she leaned back against the dresser behind her. 

“Not without him… Not knowing that I didn’t get a chance to tell him, just once more, that I loved him.” There was a quiver in his voice, Merrill was honestly shocked that he hadn’t stuttered.

“Was he truly your life? Your only--”

“He was the blood in my veins, Merrill… Every thought was tainted by his touch, every breath was made to worship him, I didn’t waste away because of him… He was more than just important to me. He was necessary.” Blinking in shock, her heart hammering as a soft blush worked over her cheeks as she let that all sink in. In Ethan’s letters, he had said that Anders had a tendency to worship him, to spend hours making sure that he was happy because he still firmly believed he didn’t deserve him. She’d never imagined it could be like _that_ , though.

“...Have you considered sending Justice into the Fade to see if he can find Hawke?” She questioned, finally, licking her lips to keep from biting them, instead. For a moment, every muscle in his face seemed to go lax, his jaw dropping through the floor, before he forced himself to breathe and gulp again. Closing his eyes, he shook his head.

“I’m not so sure I could.” But, perhaps, he could fall asleep and join his love once more. Between the uneasy dream-state of having cried so powerfully for so long, and the thought that he had a chance to at least say goodbye, his eyelids were leaden and he rest back against the headboard.

Merrill went silent as she watched him rest, like seeing the dead climb into their own coffin, fold their arms over their chest, and close their eyes that final time. Something about the way he moved as he made sure he was just comfortable enough to fall into sleep left her feeling that this was it. This was his last breath, or this one, or this next one. Counting them, even as they settled out into longer, slower rises of his chest. The strands of hair that had fallen into his face were almost her only guarantee that he was, in fact, still breathing on occasion.

_When he opened his eyes once more, Anders was no longer in the drab tavern’s back room. He could feel and see the sunlight spilling through the trees, and suddenly there was a warm, heavy weight against his chest. The second-best sound he had ever heard fluttered into the air as Ethan_ \-- So real, so visible, so **here** \-- _laughed for him, the rumble in his back and the sheer infectious nature making him reciprocate a hearty laugh of his own. A large grin plastered itself to his lips as he hugged the other around the chest, pulling him insanely close before far too easily manhandling the larger man into his lap to straddle him._

_“Kitty-Cat,” Ethan chuckled, “What are you doing?”_

_“I… I want to see you, love. Let me see you, let me kiss you breathless…” Already, his breaths were shaky, and as their lips sealed it burned through him like fire and stole his breath like drowning; this was better than any ‘glorious eternal life’ the Maker could provide. Just one kiss left him speechless, and before long his hands cupped those clean-shaven cheeks and pulled him closer, working his left to the other’s nape and resting there. The kiss lasted for more than an eternity, and yet it still seemed to be too short by the time Ethan pulled back._

_“I wish we could stay like this forever.” Anders whispered softly, their lips still connected by a thin thread of saliva, he could taste sweet apples on Ethan’s lips and breath._

_“Who says we can’t?” Sitting back on his haunches, those beautiful aquamarine eyes looked at him with mischief sparkling in them. “I’d miss you if you left. Don’t leave… Please, Kitty-Cat?” The thought that this could have been a demon didn’t even occur to him, because everything just felt **right**. Watching his beautiful lover rise, tugging him effortlessly to a standing position, he followed him dutifully, absolutely certain that Ethan was taking him home. He’d come to realize that home had nothing to do with where you grew up, where your blood lived, no. Home was something that stilled all of your escape attempts. _

_And he certainly wasn’t about to escape, now._


End file.
